Dr Mani Sivasubramanian and I
connected a few years ago. He is a Heart Surgeon, Author, Internet marketer and
so much more. He kindly offered to write a blog for me, so I requested one from
him on making changes that stick and change your life. I am grateful to him for
this.
As a
medical student, I was on my way to the hospital cafeteria when I spotted him.
He was
squatting on the floor in a quiet spot, around the corner of a building. Lying
on the ground beside him were a pair of crutches. In his stub-like fingers, he
grasped a cigarette.
I watched
in horrified fascination as he drew the smoke deep into his lungs, held it
there, eyes closed in bliss… before letting it out in a long sigh.
Why was
the sight so repulsive?
Because
just a few days back, I had presented Kris’ problem at our surgery clinic. His
name was Krishnamachari Kondaraiya Devendiran – Kris, for short. He was
thirty-five years old. And he was suffering from a disease that was as much a
tongue-twister as his name… Thrombo Angitis Obliterans, or TAO.
It was a
condition which narrowed down his arteries, slowly cutting off blood supply to
the limbs, until there wasn’t enough oxygen to support them. Two years ago, he
had developed gangrene of his left leg – and it had to be amputated.
A few
months later, his fingertips turned black, too. One of them dried, and dropped
off. Another three needed surgical removal.
And now
he was in hospital because his other leg was affected. He was going to have an
operation to remove it shortly!
TAO is a
rare disease of uncertain cause. Only one thing is known about it. All patients
are heavy smokers. Continued use of tobacco worsens the situation. Kris knows
all of this. Surely, he would have been told during his previous hospital
admissions. Earlier in the week, I had personally spent five minutes explaining
it to him.
He nodded
in understanding.
Yet here
he was, leaning against the wall of a building which housed the operation suite
where he’d lose his only remaining leg…
SMOKING!
That is
how hard it is to break a habit.
Or to
form a new one.
The
Resistance Is Alive And Well
Around
October-November every year, enthusiasm and excitement reach a feverish peak as
millions all over the world start planning their New Year resolutions.
- To get more exercise.
- Lose some weight.
- Learn a new skill or hobby.
- Eat healthy food.
- To save more money.
- Make new friends.
- Read more.
- Take up a hobby.
These are
just among the more popular ones.
And they
are all worthy goals to set, and strive for. Yet the disappointing reality is
that even before January is over, most of these well-intended resolutions have
been abandoned – forever!
The
reason for this behavior has been well researched. And it can be attributed to
one overwhelming factor – The Resistance.
Inside
each of our minds or brains is a braking mechanism that kicks in every time you
want to try something new. Or different.
That’s
not a bad thing at all. In fact, it has survival value.
Imagine a
farmer, from long, long ago, suddenly getting it into his head that he’s going
to try a new method of planting seeds or tilling his land. If his idea doesn’t
work, there are dire consequences – for himself, his family, and anyone else
who depended on his harvest.
So nature
intended for us all to have a built-in cautionary mechanism – that discourages
us from doing anything different or new.
The
Resistance.
It’s
single, obsessive task is to stop you when you try!
And it is
a devious devil, that knows and understands you well enough to succeed almost
every time.
- It plays to your fears and
anxieties.
- It puts down your strengths.
- It erodes your confidence.
- It sparks controversy.
- It seeds doubt and
uncertainty.
Until you
throw up your hands, give up on trying to change, and settle back into a rut of
comfort, constancy – and commonness!
How Can
You Beat It – Every Time?
It ain’t
easy… but it can be done.
It begins
by understanding your situation, when you try to build a new habit.
You’re
weak. You’re vulnerable. You’re extremely likely to lose.
You’re in
the position of somebody who carries a knife to a gunfight!
And that
itself is NOT the problem. For most habit-formers, the real problem lies in
failing to realize how tough the challenge ahead is. Once you become aware of
it, and accept it, half the battle is won.
Because
what would you do if you’re carrying a knife to a gunfight? Adopt a different
strategy to win, right?
Surely
you wouldn’t hurl abuse at your opponent while you’re still 50 feet away. Or
stomp up to them waving your switchblade about. Or take on a threatening
posture and attitude from more than arm’s reach.
No. That
would be suicide!
To have a
chance at success in this unequal fight, you’d have to play to your
strengths. Get in close. Be within the enemy’s reach. Only then can your
knife wield any power, give you an edge, serve as your advantage.
In the
same way, to break a bad habit or develop a good habit, you’d have to work with
a strategy that maximizes your chances of success – and overcomes the
Resistance that lives inside your head.
Several
approaches work to achieve this end. In my latest book ‘Knife At A
Gunfight‘, I get into more detail in one of the five modules
about forming new habits. But let’s discuss one of them now.
How Do
You Eat An Elephant?
You’ve
probably heard a series of bad jokes about elephants.
Q: How do
you put an elephant into a matchbox?
A: Open
the matchbox. Put the elephant in!
Q: How do
you put ANOTHER elephant into the same matchbox?
A: Open
the matchbox. Take out the first elephant. Put the other one in!
Q: How do
you eat an elephant?
A: One
bite at a time!
Okay,
okay. I’ll stop with the silly jokes.
Except…
they’re all not “silly”.
Particularly
the last one. Just as long as you don’t take it too literally.
Think of
the ‘elephant’ as a metaphor for a BIG challenge. A complicated task,
maybe. Or a project with many phases or stages. Even forming a new habit, or
breaking an old one.
What’s
the best way to “eat an elephant”?
Take one
bite at a time!
In other
words, break down the process, or project, or task, or challenge into
bite-sized smaller bits that are easier to deal with.
This
principle lies at the heart of an effective trick to habit-forming. And to
explain how it works, I’ll use an example. Let’s imagine you want to read more
– and decide that in the coming year, you’ll read at least one book every
month.
That’s a
great goal to shoot for. But if you don’t read regularly now, it’s a huge
challenge that you’ll very likely fail to overcome. Unless you use this ‘Knife
At A Gunfight’ approach.
How To
Build A Reading Habit
Your
inner resistance will rebel if you decide to suddenly start reading for a
couple of hours daily.
It will
say:
You can’t
afford to waste so much time!
You have
other important things to do!
You’ll
get bored at reading so much!
It will
ask:
You’ve
never read in your life – why start now?
What
makes you think you’ll be able to do this?
Are you
sure there’s any real benefit from it?
Dozens
like them will pop up in your mind. And like dripping water slowly wears away
even hard, mighty rock, these comments and questions will erode your
determination and will power – until you abandon your plan and give up.
But what
if you start out by reading for just 5 minutes a day?
Wait!
Before you argue there’s absolutely no point in reading for such a little time
anyway, I’ll let you in to a secret.
You’re
not going to read “just for 5 minutes” – forever!
No. You
only begin at this point to overcome the Resistance. You’re tricking it into
letting you get closer – where your knife becomes a powerful weapon, even in a
gunfight!
None of
the “reasonable” objections your mind can make to reading for hours and
hours will sound that way when applied to reading for five minutes.
So your
Resistance grows weak. And you can get started with developing your new habit.
In fact,
there are a few preparatory steps you’ll have to take even before you reach
this point… and I get into them in my book. But trust me – a strong Resistance
can figure out ways to stop you from reading for even a measly five minutes.
And you need ‘advanced’ strategies to beat it at that game!
Anyway,
if you get going and manage to read for five minutes daily, you’ll notice
something happen. You get comfortable with that new activity. It becomes routine.
You do it automatically. And you don’t feel any reluctance or hesitation
when you do.
You’ve
taken the ‘first bite’ of your ‘elephant’.
Next, you
increase the time by another five minutes. Wait until it, too, becomes routine
and automatic. Then gradually step it up a bit further.
One bite
after another.
That’s
the only way to eat an elephant!
You Can’t
Afford To Slip Or Slide Back
Another
pitfall to forming new habits is the risk of sliding back into your comfortable
old rut of familiarity.
Most
people under-estimate the time it takes to build new habits. You may have heard
different periods recommended as being the “bare minimum to form a habit”.
Well,
they are all wrong!
You’ll
have to work at forming – and keeping – habits for the rest of your life.
Yes,
there’s no end-point. It’s a continuous, ongoing battle with your inner
resistance.
And
you’ll never have a better weapon than your trusty little knife in this
gunfight.
But when
you know how to wield it effectively, that’s enough to win.
Every
time.
So go on
and make your New Year resolutions. But this time, decide you’re going to keep
them – not just until the end of January, but for as long as you live.
You can,
y’know?
AUTHOR
BIO:
Heart
surgeon. Author.
Social entrepreneur. Fund raiser. Dr.Mani juggles many roles in pursuit of his
dream – to make heart healthcare accessible to every Indian child. His non-profit
has sponsored life-saving treatment for 147 ‘Heart Kids’, with many more
to come.
www.peaceharmonyandjoy.co.uk
UK Reiki Federation Master / Teacher
https://www.facebook.com/peaceharmonyandjoy
